Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families

“One of the great gifts parents in law can give to their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple” (2005, Harper and Olsen)

Such a simple sentence and yet it is such a loaded one too. I am not married but I have five older siblings that are married and I have observed them navigating the waters of this change and balance. I have always admired the way that my parents have not allowed my siblings to come and “vent” to them about issues with their respective spouses. My mom’s famous line was “I don’t want to hear about it because I would like to be able to share the Thanksgiving table with them.” They were great at allowing couples to have their autonomy.

The article, “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families” by Harper and Olsen, mentioned how parents should welcome and involve their children in law, but I thought that there was one point that was missed. It is important to remember that you married into a family. It is important as the new member of the family to insert and engage yourself with your in laws without having to coaxed and prodded by your spouse.

I have witnessed my brother slowly pull away from my family over the years. If there was a major fight or falling out, it would make sense, but no one understands what happened and why he does not want to spend time with us anymore. We assume that it is my sister in law that is not comfortable with my family but we do not have a strong confirmation. My family is pretty close and enjoys camping, outdoor recreation, but most of all, renting a cabin and piling everyone in. When talking about getting everyone together for a family reunion, my sister in law (who is a rather private person) called my mom and told her that the only Shepherd reunion that they would attend was meeting in the park for the maximum of 4 hours. My mom was devastated! I vowed then and there, that whenever I do get married, that I will embrace the opportunity to have more family in my life. My brother will call my parents every couple months to check in on them, but he rarely talks to the rest of the siblings and it has been years since we have seen him in person. He told my mom once that they prefer spending their time and vacations with just their little family unit and occasionally friends. But Facebook has broken our hearts as we see them spending every holiday and vacation with her parents. Family friends that we have known for years cannot understand why someone would not want to be in my family. Sure, we have our issues, but we when we get together, we do a lot of laughing and have a great time. Who would not want to be a part of all that?

I am not sure that I will ever understand, but I do know that as an individual, I have the power to either make things better or worse.

I choose better.

Who's the Boss?

While reading the article, Who’s the Boss, by Dr Richard Miller, I realized that my parents are Rock stars! Of course, they are far from perfect, but they did a pretty great job as parents. All of the points that are recommended for couples are things that my parents have been practicing for years. There are four points that really stood out to me in regards to my parents.

1.      Parents must be unified in their leadership. Occasionally my dad would slip me a five and tell me to run to the store for some Dr Pepper which my mom would not approve of, but was a special bond between dad and us. Outside of his DP cravings, there was no way that I could pit one of my parents against the other and believe me, I tried. Even if one of my parents was DEAD WRONG, they would not take my side. Their unity was as solid as oak. They also never fought in front of us. That does not mean that they never had a fight, but they always had their discussions in private and then presented their results to the family as a unified couple. The only time that I remember a “melt down” was at a family reunion where my dad put his hand on my mom’s should and said “we need to go for a walk.”

2.      The parent child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults. My parents have adapted the need to know basis once we all became adults. Our family moto is “I don’t want to know the petty details of your problems or fights because I need to be able to sit with that person at the Thanksgiving table each year.”

3.      The marital relationship should be a partnership. My parents are super supportive of one another and they do absolutely everything together whether it is taxes or grocery shopping. The talk to each other and the discussion stops there by confiding only in each other.

4.      Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but function as equals. They make every single decision together despite growing up in a time when women had nothing to do with the finances and men had little or nothing to do with the house or the children. There has been a clear definition of my dad as the patriarch and priesthood holder while my mom is the nurturer and glue of the family. They treat each other as equals in every other way. They have a deep respect for one another’s strengths and talents which is quite admirable.

I am grateful for parents who gave my siblings and I the gift of parent who love and respect each other. This alone created a sense of safety and peace in our home. Their trust and respect for one another trickled down to a unified trust and respect for our family which turned into trustworthy adult children (six children and not one of us had a curfew…they expressed their trust in us to make the right decision and held us to the natural consequences of making a bad choice). I love them!!

Transitions in Marriage: Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

This week I really enjoyed reading the Ensign article by Kenneth W Matheson titled “Fidelity in Marriage” As much as week would like this principle of marriage to be as straight forward as the commandment of “Thou shalt not commit adultery”, we know that this not a circumstance that is so black and white. Fidelity begins long before physical temptations enter the mind. We can be emotionally, mentally and even spiritually attracted to someone before the physical element enters. This article tells the story of Jane and her husband Aaron. Jane finds friendship in a co-worker who seems to posses’ qualities that Aaron is lacking. Brother Matheson talks about the boundaries of relationships outside of marriage. I am single sister that had many “guy friends” once upon a time, but one by one, I lost touch with most of them as they each found their partners and got married. This was difficult to be the one that was left behind, but I always knew that they had met the right person when they stopped calling me for advice and turned towards their now wives. I grew up with boys and am a bit of a tom-boy myself so losing these friends was difficult but I also understood my place. I think that the only thing that would make a difference would be to become close friends with the wife and them as a couple as opposed to the husband alone. In my experience, this only happens through the effort of the guy which is not always the case despite the fact that I am all for it. The more friends the better.

One point that the article made that I really appreciated where the list of questions that one could ask oneself to determine if lines have been crossed or if intentions are going in the wrong direction. Here are a few of the questions that were posed to Jane by her own sister. Do you think that they are on point? Is there anything that you disagree or have a problem with?

• “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”
• “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”
• “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”
• “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”
• “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”
• “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”
• “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”
• “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

Seeking To Understand

In the reading this week, John Gottman presented the idea or concept of marital gridlocks and the tools needed to move past these problems. I believe that most people would agree that there is usually an underlying issue that is manifesting itself through surface topics.

The key to understanding the real problem is to decipher what your partner might actually be feeling. Instead of rushing to judgement, try to understand why something is important to your partner. Or as Gottman refers to it, what is the dream behind it. For instance, a couple may be conflicting on how to invest their money when one person wants to spend it now and travel while the other wants to save for a couple years so that they can eventually by a cabin in the woods. What they are not communicating is that traveling represents living in the moment and having adventures with each other while the other person has always dreamed of having a cabin in the woods because they remember visiting their grandparents’ cabin and having fun with their extended family and learning to love the outdoors. When couples understand the dream, then they may be more likely to find ways that will make both of their dream work.

Now this is not limited to our dreams and ambitions, gridlocks can also manifest in getting mad and taking things out on each other rather than addressing the real issue. My older sister thought that I was spoiled and my mom’s favorite. There was even a time when she called me Princess and said that “Princess get whatever Princess wants.” The crazy thing about this was that I was 22 and returning from my mission. I had no idea what had prompted this behavior and it would have been easy for me to get really defensive because I was not the brat that she was making me out to be. Instead, I wondered what had happened to make her feel this way, and the only conclusion that I could come up with was that she was jealous of the attention I was getting from my mom upon returning home from a mission. It was easier for her to take out on her younger sister than it was to talk to my mom about their relationship. I was the punching bag. I was not thrilled with the situation, but I also realized that it had nothing to do with me and that helped to not take it personally.

Perpetual versus Solvable Conflicts

It is no surprise that differences in communication styles is the most common contributor to conflict in relationships. Asking yourself if there are conflicts that you can handle while dating is key to the presence of mind that you will have during marriage. This is a great concept and there are many who have taken part in premarital counseling that provides couples to ask and talk about some of the more difficult questions that are vitally important while getting to know someone. Couples need to be aware of the rose-colored glasses that we sometimes wear during the dating phase and understand that our partner is not perfect and will make us a little crazy at some point. Differences do not have to be a breaking point in a relationship or signs of doom either. I have a family member that was recently married to a young lady that came with a lot of complications. She is a great girl, but knowing him, I was not so sure that he was strong enough to handle such a high maintenance person who came with a very complicated past and family. It has been two years but they look like they have been through war. I have the greatest of hope for them, but I still worry if he took on more than he could handle for a pretty face. I know that sounds horribly judgmental, but she is not the easiest person to get along with. Lots of drama. I am the opposite and therefore, it is stressful for me just to spend a few hours with them. I don’t know if I could do it. I am still single, so maybe my standards are too high, but I look at it as knowing myself well enough to know a good partnership for myself when I see it, and it has not come a long for me as of yet.

John Gottman made and interesting point in this week’s reading regarding conflict and how to handle it in a relationship. He mentioned that most people have an underlying need to feel accepted as they are and loved for the person that they are. So, when our partners are constantly trying to change us, it can cause resentment in the relationship. One of the ways to avoid this dead end, is to determine whether conflicts are perpetual or solvable. Both of these things are rooted in the art of communication, but problems that are solvable can be easily resolved with a conversation to find a compromise or devise a better plan. Conflicts that are perpetual are ones that have a deeper and sometimes are a stem of a completely different problem. Taking out the guess work of mind reading can help us to understand each other and what the real conflict is. This kind of communication takes practice and repetition. And it also takes a slice of humble pie and owning our part in the problem.

Manifestation of Pride in Marriage

This week’s reading covered the topic of letting your partner influence you and what that really means. For hundreds of years, society has taught us that men are the head of the house and therefore have dominion over their wives and children. This point of power often turns men, and sometimes women, into bullies rather than partners. It is their way or the highway. When speaking about marital partnerships, John Gottman referred to the term of partner influence rather than power in the home or “who wears the pants” as we sometimes like to say. I really like this terminology because it insinuates that we take the thoughts and opinions of our spouse into account by giving them a voice and the ability to influence you without overpowering you as an individual. I have never liked it when men say “let me ask my wife” because that references to me a parent/child relationship but stating “let me talk to my wife” denotes an equal partnership. I heard a mantra once that plays part into this idea. It stated that others can give me their opinions but only I can decide what meaning that opinion has in my life. This is a respectful way of stating that we gather information from those around us respectfully before making our own decision. Standing in our truth without disrespecting anyone else in the process.

Accepting the influence of your spouse does not mean that you are admitting defeat and giving them all of power in the relationship. In fact, it takes a much stronger person to admit when they are wrong or that their spouse has a better idea. This communicates that the focus is on the issue and not about who thought of the solution. This promotes mutual respect and will not only help a marital relationship, but any relationship. After all, we are dealing on a daily basis with human thoughts and feelings of others and not just our own.

“The wives of men who accept their influence are far less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching a difficult marital topic. This increases the odds their marriage will survive.” (Gottman, 2015)

“Accepting influence doesn’t mean never expressing negative emotions towards your partner. Marriages can survive plenty of flashes of anger, complaints, even criticisms. Trying to suppress negative feelings in your spouse’s presence wouldn’t be good for your marriage or your blood pressure.” (Gottman, 2015)

In President Benson’s general conference talk title, Beware of Pride, he explains that the esteem and respect that we show ourselves and others is only a reflection of the esteem and respect for God and Jesus Christ.

“Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?” (Benson, 1989)

How does faith in Christ strengthen a marriage?

When we have faith in Christ, then we understand that the trials and challenges that we are given in this life are a blessing that is meant to refine and perfect us and not as much of a punishment as one might think. It means that we have been entrusted with the burdens that we are given because Heavenly Father and Christ understand our strengths better than we dp. As stated in the book “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, Elder Holland stated that, “Too often too many of us run from the very things that will bless us and save us and soothe. Too often we see gospel commitments and commandments as something to be feared and forsake.” This thought reminded me of something that my mission president once said to me in our monthly one of one interview. I told him that I had been struggling with the language and therefore my personal contribution as a missionary. I was really feeling down and discouraged personally and with the progress in our area as a result. His response was “oh good.” What? I was completely puzzled by his response but then he added, “that means that a blessing, something really good is just around the corner.” He encouraged me to be thankful for any struggle that I am given because that means that I have been trusted and blessings are on the way. The same can be said with relationships. With our faith in Christ we can remember that we are only given trials and struggles that we can handle and by doing so, the relationship and our personal needs will be met. All we have to do is remember, have faith and embrace the struggle!

Christ made it through the struggle for us and showed us that we can also make it through if will just endure. If both partners in the relationship are working on a Christ centered marriage, then all needs will fall into place as we have faith and follow the promptings of the spirit when facing conflict.

Fondness and Admiration

From this week’s reading, I really appreciated and enjoyed the section about fondness and admiration in the relationship. In any kind of relationship, not just in marriage, we have to focus on the good. If we are only focusing on the bad, then we will all be miserable and never progress. Remembering the positive aspect along with the negative reminds me of a row boat. Knowing that it is impossible to remove all the negativity from our lives, if we are only focusing on the negative, then its like we are paddling with one ore and going in circles, In order to get the row boat to move forward, we have to compensate the negative with the positive to create balance.

Where there is still fondness and admiration in the relationship, then there is still hope. Being able to remember the good times and more specifically, the reasons that a couple fell in love in the first place, will help the couple to prevent contempt (one of the marriage killing horsemen).

Considering the fact that I am single, I threw a question out to my fellow classmates: What practices, besides the questionnaire given in the book, can help us to stay in touch with the positive feelings in the relationship?  I was given to valuable responses. The first said that is important to continue to flirt with your spouse. She stated that this an aspect of dating that is easily lost once you are married and the newlywed stage is behind you. It helps your spouse to be reminded that they are desired and it can also be fun for you. The second response stated that it is important to be in a mode of creating new memories in your relationship. With this in important it is important to establish and maintain a date night and be more creative than just going to dinner and a movie. While those things are nice, it does not create opportunities to stretch your relationship and continue to learn new things about your spouse.

Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

While communication is the corner stone of any relationship, being able to clearly communicate the real issue is key along with listening and really allowing the other person be able to have the floor. The lack of proper communication results in mind reading expectations and misinterpretation. Another factor is the underlying monster called pride. Why is it so difficult for us to think about the needs of others along with, not just before, our own? And why does it take us so long to admit that a problem exists and when help might be needed?

The videos of the love lab and clips from the movie Fireproof demonstrated how difficult it can be to understand each other and align ourselves on the same page. There must be some thing in human nature that makes us think about ourselves and what makes us happy first. Maybe it is something to do with survival. Surviving the day, week, month, year, and sadly sometimes just life. In this state of mind, we often forget that we are not alone in these feelings. And therefore, we can turn our thoughts to our partners for support knowing that they we are all trying to make it through. At the end of the love lab video, when the couple was asked what they learned from the exercise, the husband stated that he realized that when asked to talk about their dreams, they only focused on their individual dreams and not their dreams as a united couple who have just merged their lives together. That does not mean that you lose your individual self because you are married, but your goals and dreams may change because you want your partner to be there with you in sharing the joy.

This lesson also demonstrated the power of words. This point, which we viewed in the clips from Fireproof, can be summed up with one statement. People may not always remember what you said or what you did, but they will always remember how you made them feel. I hope that the positive way that I made someone feel is the legacy that I leave behind in this life. I am not perfect but it is something that I strive for.

Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

I am truly grateful for the doctrine of the church regarding marriage. Explaining the importance of the family unit and the purpose that it plays in the plan of salvation give me a better foundation for marriage. While I am a single sister myself, I have grown up around loving marital relationships including that of my parents and siblings. They have been an example of how marriage is more than just a responsibility, it is also a partnership and can be both a deep and meaningful relationship.

While we have many ordinances that are performed by the individual such as baptism and endowment, the highest temple ordinance that can be performed in the temple is the sealing ordinance of marriage. It is the crowning glory and a necessary ordinance for entering the Celestial Kingdom. With that in mind, a temple marriage becomes so much more than its secular counterpart. In Brother Hafen’s 1996 General Conference address titled “Covenant Marriage”, he referred to newly married couple and wondered if they viewed their marriage as a contract or covenant. While this is simple question, it is quite a thought provoking and impacting one. Contracts can be viewed as 50/50 you do your part and I will do mine and can be as easily broken as it was to assemble. But a covenant is a sacred promise to each other with the Lord. Covenants require a deeper understanding of the purpose of marriage not only in this life, but for our eternal lives.

Not long ago, I was at work and the topic of marriage came up and the historical purpose that it served for monetary gain, nobility and the acquisition of land and sometimes countries. It was purely a business contract that hopefully would turn into love. While these facts are historically accurate, it was sad to me that this was the opinion of what marriage really from the co-worker that is also a member of the church. I am not aware of her family background, but I grew up with a model of marriage that is not only celestial, but the epitome of a partnership. Despite the fact that my parents grew up in a generation of housewives and head of the household, they worked together seamlessly. In fact, I do not remember my dad making any kind of unilateral decision for the family. While he is the patriarch and priesthood holder, my parents thoughtfully made every decision together and despite my attempts to pit them against each other for my personal gain, it never worked and they were (and still are) a united front. They are a wonderful example of a covenant marriage above a contract. This is the type of relationship that I hope to have someday.

Threats to Marriage

The topic this week was an interesting and very difficult one for me. I am not a fan of political arguments and gay marriage is a steaming hot discussion in my experience. So, I try my best to stay out of these conversations unless someone asks me a direct question. I will admit that when it comes to the discussion of homosexuality and gay marriage, my response is that this is not my fight. And when I say fight, I am talking about same sex attraction and not about defending the church and my personal testimony of marriage and family. But a lightning bolt hit me while I was reading the speech given by President Russell M Nelson at a BYU graduation commencement when he stated that “Your individual strength of character is need now more than ever before. The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. Your religion is not just about showing up for church on Sunday. It is about showing up as a true disciple from Sunday morning through Saturday night.” I know that I have to speak up for truth but I also want to show love and respect for my brothers and sisters despite their feelings of opposition. How do we find the fine line between standing for truth while respecting others? How should we respond when the conversation takes and argumentative turn?

For some reason, this week reminded me of a protest that took place while I was in junior high. The school administration had updated the dress code to exclude combat boots as acceptable footwear. Students were enraged and organized a walk-out. The principle warned us that any student who participated would be expelled for leaving the school grounds. There was a lot of peer pressure to support the cause of the students and join the walk. On the day of the planned walk out, a boy encouraged me to go with the other students, and my only response was “but…..I don’t wear combat boots.” He tried to tell me that it was about supporting the students and treating the dress code as oppressive. Once again, I responded with “I don’t wear combat boots, therefore, this is not my protest.” He looked at me with a shocked face. I have never been one to give into peer pressure or let someone make up my mind for me, even as a child. But another thing that bothered me was the teachers telling those of us that stayed behind that we were the good children. We were all good children but I understood the weight of the consequence and it was not worth the fight.

Watching the video of Ryan Anderson speaking with Piers Morgan and Suze Orman, I thought that Ryan was clear in stating that his opposition was not against the homosexuals, but with the federal government stepping in and overruling the states and more importantly, the individual right to vote in this particular argument. This overruling goes against the creation of the federal and state systems of government. But that point was not received by the host and was almost completely disregarded. The response was to go for the jugular and asked Ryan why he was against Susie and her happiness. He did not say one thing about individual happiness and rights to happiness. He stuck to the point of government organization and fixing the state tax system to include domestic partnerships without having to change the historical definition of Marriage. I found myself in knots by the end of the video and was reminded of the reasons why I don’t like these discussions. People do not listen. How can we have healthy conversation to come up with a solution?

I think that the greatest lesson that I have learned from the lesson this week, speaking specifically about the transcripts of the Supreme Court hearing, is how important it is to learn the facts before we make a judgement for ourselves. It is not enough to gather information from friend, family or media. We should be reading the laws the candidates for which we are voting. We should seek to understand and gain a testimony or our own. News centers are no longer the trusting source that they once were. This requires us to listen to the testimonies of others just as we would want them to listen to our testimony.

Marriage Trends - Divorce

Just the sound of the word feels so negative and heavy. It also has a sense of sadness where something that was once regarded as beautiful and hopeful has now come to an end. But the current question is whether or not the divorce is considered a failure or a necessary step for the happiness of everyone involved.

I am the child of parents who are still crazy about one another. Almost to the point of annoyance. My childhood and family was by no means free from the stresses and challenges of life, but with the foundation and example of my parents and their marriage, we learned that we can weather storms together and survive. Most of my friends growing up had similar family dynamics and was not exposed to the idea of divorce until one of my best friends’ parents decided to divorce. Not only was Shelly my best friend, but her parents were close friends with my parents and our families were deeply intertwined. Their divorce changed so many things. Friendships change for my parents when they supported the mother and my friendship changed when Shelly had to move across town. We still remained friends but it was not the same until we reached high school and I learned more about what their family went through. I have to admit that when I was a child, I thought that is was kind of fun that they got to have what I thought were sleepovers with their dad every weekend. That just goes to show how ignorant I was. Later on she told me how stressful it was to essentially live in two different places and bounce back and forth every couple days. While Shelly, her sister Janelle and her brother Darren came out of the divorce ok, her older brother Kyle would not speak to his parents for years (he was on his mission when they split and did not tell him until he came home) and her brother Brian became distant and is still inactive from the church to this day. This was my first encounter with divorce.

As an adult I have become more acquainted with the struggles that married couples go through despite the fact that I am not married myself. There are couples that I could not understand why they chose to divorce and some that I could visibly see that the relationship was toxic and needed to end. Two of my mother’s friends were in very emotionally abusive marriages. They struggled with the decision to leave their partners because of their testimony of the doctrine of the church and temple marriages. But ultimately people have the potential to change and covenants are broken. One of her friends found the courage to leave and divorce (which was horribly messy) but ultimately, she found a man that adored her and her children. The other friend chose to endure and was deeply depressed to the point of committing what we believe was suicide.

In a conference address given by Elder Dallin H Oaks in 2007, he spoke directly to the good members of the church that have gone through a divorce. He communicated that “We know that many of you are innocent victims – members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have first hand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce.” He goes on to say that “When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to an end.” This comment may surprise many people that an Apostle in the church is saying over the pulpit, that it is not a sin to divorce and that the church does not expect you to stay in a terrible circumstance in order to keep your end of a temple or marriage covenant when the other person is not and does not have the intention of doing so. Later Elder Oaks states that “We know that some look back on their divorces with regret at their own partial or predominant fault in the break up. All who have been through divorce know the pain and the healing power of the Atonement. That healing power and that hope are there for them and also for their children.”

While the decision to divorce is a painful one, we can rely on prayer and the support of loving Heavenly Father to tell us when we need to fight and when it is ok to let go. We have all the statics in the world on the damage that divorce causes to the family and we have the advice from friends and family, some of whom have experienced divorce themselves. But the best support that we should lean on Christ, who is the one that knows you, your partner, your marriage and your family the best.

At the end of Elder Oaks conference address, I appreciated the comment that “the best way to avoid divorce from and unfaithful, abusive, or unsupported spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person.” Why are people afraid of asking the tough questions while they are dating a person. Part of the purpose of dating is to look for the red flags and not just focusing on chemistry. Learn everything that you can about the potential in laws. Are there patterns there of dysfunctional relationships that might spill over into your own? For women, pay attention to how he treats his mother, sisters and the other women in his life. Men should pay attention to how their girlfriend or fiance handles the priesthood in her own family. Like it or not, women can be somewhat dramatic and emotional. When you bring them around your family, does she make the situation better or more stressful? How does she respect and encourage the time and attention that you give to your mother and sisters? Elder Oaks finishes by stating that “in all of this we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man of woman.

When it comes down to it, all that matters is that we try our best and have a Christ centered marriage.