Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families

“One of the great gifts parents in law can give to their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple” (2005, Harper and Olsen)

Such a simple sentence and yet it is such a loaded one too. I am not married but I have five older siblings that are married and I have observed them navigating the waters of this change and balance. I have always admired the way that my parents have not allowed my siblings to come and “vent” to them about issues with their respective spouses. My mom’s famous line was “I don’t want to hear about it because I would like to be able to share the Thanksgiving table with them.” They were great at allowing couples to have their autonomy.

The article, “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families” by Harper and Olsen, mentioned how parents should welcome and involve their children in law, but I thought that there was one point that was missed. It is important to remember that you married into a family. It is important as the new member of the family to insert and engage yourself with your in laws without having to coaxed and prodded by your spouse.

I have witnessed my brother slowly pull away from my family over the years. If there was a major fight or falling out, it would make sense, but no one understands what happened and why he does not want to spend time with us anymore. We assume that it is my sister in law that is not comfortable with my family but we do not have a strong confirmation. My family is pretty close and enjoys camping, outdoor recreation, but most of all, renting a cabin and piling everyone in. When talking about getting everyone together for a family reunion, my sister in law (who is a rather private person) called my mom and told her that the only Shepherd reunion that they would attend was meeting in the park for the maximum of 4 hours. My mom was devastated! I vowed then and there, that whenever I do get married, that I will embrace the opportunity to have more family in my life. My brother will call my parents every couple months to check in on them, but he rarely talks to the rest of the siblings and it has been years since we have seen him in person. He told my mom once that they prefer spending their time and vacations with just their little family unit and occasionally friends. But Facebook has broken our hearts as we see them spending every holiday and vacation with her parents. Family friends that we have known for years cannot understand why someone would not want to be in my family. Sure, we have our issues, but we when we get together, we do a lot of laughing and have a great time. Who would not want to be a part of all that?

I am not sure that I will ever understand, but I do know that as an individual, I have the power to either make things better or worse.

I choose better.

Who's the Boss?

While reading the article, Who’s the Boss, by Dr Richard Miller, I realized that my parents are Rock stars! Of course, they are far from perfect, but they did a pretty great job as parents. All of the points that are recommended for couples are things that my parents have been practicing for years. There are four points that really stood out to me in regards to my parents.

1.      Parents must be unified in their leadership. Occasionally my dad would slip me a five and tell me to run to the store for some Dr Pepper which my mom would not approve of, but was a special bond between dad and us. Outside of his DP cravings, there was no way that I could pit one of my parents against the other and believe me, I tried. Even if one of my parents was DEAD WRONG, they would not take my side. Their unity was as solid as oak. They also never fought in front of us. That does not mean that they never had a fight, but they always had their discussions in private and then presented their results to the family as a unified couple. The only time that I remember a “melt down” was at a family reunion where my dad put his hand on my mom’s should and said “we need to go for a walk.”

2.      The parent child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults. My parents have adapted the need to know basis once we all became adults. Our family moto is “I don’t want to know the petty details of your problems or fights because I need to be able to sit with that person at the Thanksgiving table each year.”

3.      The marital relationship should be a partnership. My parents are super supportive of one another and they do absolutely everything together whether it is taxes or grocery shopping. The talk to each other and the discussion stops there by confiding only in each other.

4.      Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but function as equals. They make every single decision together despite growing up in a time when women had nothing to do with the finances and men had little or nothing to do with the house or the children. There has been a clear definition of my dad as the patriarch and priesthood holder while my mom is the nurturer and glue of the family. They treat each other as equals in every other way. They have a deep respect for one another’s strengths and talents which is quite admirable.

I am grateful for parents who gave my siblings and I the gift of parent who love and respect each other. This alone created a sense of safety and peace in our home. Their trust and respect for one another trickled down to a unified trust and respect for our family which turned into trustworthy adult children (six children and not one of us had a curfew…they expressed their trust in us to make the right decision and held us to the natural consequences of making a bad choice). I love them!!

Transitions in Marriage: Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

This week I really enjoyed reading the Ensign article by Kenneth W Matheson titled “Fidelity in Marriage” As much as week would like this principle of marriage to be as straight forward as the commandment of “Thou shalt not commit adultery”, we know that this not a circumstance that is so black and white. Fidelity begins long before physical temptations enter the mind. We can be emotionally, mentally and even spiritually attracted to someone before the physical element enters. This article tells the story of Jane and her husband Aaron. Jane finds friendship in a co-worker who seems to posses’ qualities that Aaron is lacking. Brother Matheson talks about the boundaries of relationships outside of marriage. I am single sister that had many “guy friends” once upon a time, but one by one, I lost touch with most of them as they each found their partners and got married. This was difficult to be the one that was left behind, but I always knew that they had met the right person when they stopped calling me for advice and turned towards their now wives. I grew up with boys and am a bit of a tom-boy myself so losing these friends was difficult but I also understood my place. I think that the only thing that would make a difference would be to become close friends with the wife and them as a couple as opposed to the husband alone. In my experience, this only happens through the effort of the guy which is not always the case despite the fact that I am all for it. The more friends the better.

One point that the article made that I really appreciated where the list of questions that one could ask oneself to determine if lines have been crossed or if intentions are going in the wrong direction. Here are a few of the questions that were posed to Jane by her own sister. Do you think that they are on point? Is there anything that you disagree or have a problem with?

• “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”
• “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”
• “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”
• “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”
• “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”
• “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”
• “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”
• “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

Seeking To Understand

In the reading this week, John Gottman presented the idea or concept of marital gridlocks and the tools needed to move past these problems. I believe that most people would agree that there is usually an underlying issue that is manifesting itself through surface topics.

The key to understanding the real problem is to decipher what your partner might actually be feeling. Instead of rushing to judgement, try to understand why something is important to your partner. Or as Gottman refers to it, what is the dream behind it. For instance, a couple may be conflicting on how to invest their money when one person wants to spend it now and travel while the other wants to save for a couple years so that they can eventually by a cabin in the woods. What they are not communicating is that traveling represents living in the moment and having adventures with each other while the other person has always dreamed of having a cabin in the woods because they remember visiting their grandparents’ cabin and having fun with their extended family and learning to love the outdoors. When couples understand the dream, then they may be more likely to find ways that will make both of their dream work.

Now this is not limited to our dreams and ambitions, gridlocks can also manifest in getting mad and taking things out on each other rather than addressing the real issue. My older sister thought that I was spoiled and my mom’s favorite. There was even a time when she called me Princess and said that “Princess get whatever Princess wants.” The crazy thing about this was that I was 22 and returning from my mission. I had no idea what had prompted this behavior and it would have been easy for me to get really defensive because I was not the brat that she was making me out to be. Instead, I wondered what had happened to make her feel this way, and the only conclusion that I could come up with was that she was jealous of the attention I was getting from my mom upon returning home from a mission. It was easier for her to take out on her younger sister than it was to talk to my mom about their relationship. I was the punching bag. I was not thrilled with the situation, but I also realized that it had nothing to do with me and that helped to not take it personally.

Perpetual versus Solvable Conflicts

It is no surprise that differences in communication styles is the most common contributor to conflict in relationships. Asking yourself if there are conflicts that you can handle while dating is key to the presence of mind that you will have during marriage. This is a great concept and there are many who have taken part in premarital counseling that provides couples to ask and talk about some of the more difficult questions that are vitally important while getting to know someone. Couples need to be aware of the rose-colored glasses that we sometimes wear during the dating phase and understand that our partner is not perfect and will make us a little crazy at some point. Differences do not have to be a breaking point in a relationship or signs of doom either. I have a family member that was recently married to a young lady that came with a lot of complications. She is a great girl, but knowing him, I was not so sure that he was strong enough to handle such a high maintenance person who came with a very complicated past and family. It has been two years but they look like they have been through war. I have the greatest of hope for them, but I still worry if he took on more than he could handle for a pretty face. I know that sounds horribly judgmental, but she is not the easiest person to get along with. Lots of drama. I am the opposite and therefore, it is stressful for me just to spend a few hours with them. I don’t know if I could do it. I am still single, so maybe my standards are too high, but I look at it as knowing myself well enough to know a good partnership for myself when I see it, and it has not come a long for me as of yet.

John Gottman made and interesting point in this week’s reading regarding conflict and how to handle it in a relationship. He mentioned that most people have an underlying need to feel accepted as they are and loved for the person that they are. So, when our partners are constantly trying to change us, it can cause resentment in the relationship. One of the ways to avoid this dead end, is to determine whether conflicts are perpetual or solvable. Both of these things are rooted in the art of communication, but problems that are solvable can be easily resolved with a conversation to find a compromise or devise a better plan. Conflicts that are perpetual are ones that have a deeper and sometimes are a stem of a completely different problem. Taking out the guess work of mind reading can help us to understand each other and what the real conflict is. This kind of communication takes practice and repetition. And it also takes a slice of humble pie and owning our part in the problem.

Manifestation of Pride in Marriage

This week’s reading covered the topic of letting your partner influence you and what that really means. For hundreds of years, society has taught us that men are the head of the house and therefore have dominion over their wives and children. This point of power often turns men, and sometimes women, into bullies rather than partners. It is their way or the highway. When speaking about marital partnerships, John Gottman referred to the term of partner influence rather than power in the home or “who wears the pants” as we sometimes like to say. I really like this terminology because it insinuates that we take the thoughts and opinions of our spouse into account by giving them a voice and the ability to influence you without overpowering you as an individual. I have never liked it when men say “let me ask my wife” because that references to me a parent/child relationship but stating “let me talk to my wife” denotes an equal partnership. I heard a mantra once that plays part into this idea. It stated that others can give me their opinions but only I can decide what meaning that opinion has in my life. This is a respectful way of stating that we gather information from those around us respectfully before making our own decision. Standing in our truth without disrespecting anyone else in the process.

Accepting the influence of your spouse does not mean that you are admitting defeat and giving them all of power in the relationship. In fact, it takes a much stronger person to admit when they are wrong or that their spouse has a better idea. This communicates that the focus is on the issue and not about who thought of the solution. This promotes mutual respect and will not only help a marital relationship, but any relationship. After all, we are dealing on a daily basis with human thoughts and feelings of others and not just our own.

“The wives of men who accept their influence are far less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching a difficult marital topic. This increases the odds their marriage will survive.” (Gottman, 2015)

“Accepting influence doesn’t mean never expressing negative emotions towards your partner. Marriages can survive plenty of flashes of anger, complaints, even criticisms. Trying to suppress negative feelings in your spouse’s presence wouldn’t be good for your marriage or your blood pressure.” (Gottman, 2015)

In President Benson’s general conference talk title, Beware of Pride, he explains that the esteem and respect that we show ourselves and others is only a reflection of the esteem and respect for God and Jesus Christ.

“Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?” (Benson, 1989)

How does faith in Christ strengthen a marriage?

When we have faith in Christ, then we understand that the trials and challenges that we are given in this life are a blessing that is meant to refine and perfect us and not as much of a punishment as one might think. It means that we have been entrusted with the burdens that we are given because Heavenly Father and Christ understand our strengths better than we dp. As stated in the book “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, Elder Holland stated that, “Too often too many of us run from the very things that will bless us and save us and soothe. Too often we see gospel commitments and commandments as something to be feared and forsake.” This thought reminded me of something that my mission president once said to me in our monthly one of one interview. I told him that I had been struggling with the language and therefore my personal contribution as a missionary. I was really feeling down and discouraged personally and with the progress in our area as a result. His response was “oh good.” What? I was completely puzzled by his response but then he added, “that means that a blessing, something really good is just around the corner.” He encouraged me to be thankful for any struggle that I am given because that means that I have been trusted and blessings are on the way. The same can be said with relationships. With our faith in Christ we can remember that we are only given trials and struggles that we can handle and by doing so, the relationship and our personal needs will be met. All we have to do is remember, have faith and embrace the struggle!

Christ made it through the struggle for us and showed us that we can also make it through if will just endure. If both partners in the relationship are working on a Christ centered marriage, then all needs will fall into place as we have faith and follow the promptings of the spirit when facing conflict.