Seeking To Understand

In the reading this week, John Gottman presented the idea or concept of marital gridlocks and the tools needed to move past these problems. I believe that most people would agree that there is usually an underlying issue that is manifesting itself through surface topics.

The key to understanding the real problem is to decipher what your partner might actually be feeling. Instead of rushing to judgement, try to understand why something is important to your partner. Or as Gottman refers to it, what is the dream behind it. For instance, a couple may be conflicting on how to invest their money when one person wants to spend it now and travel while the other wants to save for a couple years so that they can eventually by a cabin in the woods. What they are not communicating is that traveling represents living in the moment and having adventures with each other while the other person has always dreamed of having a cabin in the woods because they remember visiting their grandparents’ cabin and having fun with their extended family and learning to love the outdoors. When couples understand the dream, then they may be more likely to find ways that will make both of their dream work.

Now this is not limited to our dreams and ambitions, gridlocks can also manifest in getting mad and taking things out on each other rather than addressing the real issue. My older sister thought that I was spoiled and my mom’s favorite. There was even a time when she called me Princess and said that “Princess get whatever Princess wants.” The crazy thing about this was that I was 22 and returning from my mission. I had no idea what had prompted this behavior and it would have been easy for me to get really defensive because I was not the brat that she was making me out to be. Instead, I wondered what had happened to make her feel this way, and the only conclusion that I could come up with was that she was jealous of the attention I was getting from my mom upon returning home from a mission. It was easier for her to take out on her younger sister than it was to talk to my mom about their relationship. I was the punching bag. I was not thrilled with the situation, but I also realized that it had nothing to do with me and that helped to not take it personally.

Perpetual versus Solvable Conflicts

It is no surprise that differences in communication styles is the most common contributor to conflict in relationships. Asking yourself if there are conflicts that you can handle while dating is key to the presence of mind that you will have during marriage. This is a great concept and there are many who have taken part in premarital counseling that provides couples to ask and talk about some of the more difficult questions that are vitally important while getting to know someone. Couples need to be aware of the rose-colored glasses that we sometimes wear during the dating phase and understand that our partner is not perfect and will make us a little crazy at some point. Differences do not have to be a breaking point in a relationship or signs of doom either. I have a family member that was recently married to a young lady that came with a lot of complications. She is a great girl, but knowing him, I was not so sure that he was strong enough to handle such a high maintenance person who came with a very complicated past and family. It has been two years but they look like they have been through war. I have the greatest of hope for them, but I still worry if he took on more than he could handle for a pretty face. I know that sounds horribly judgmental, but she is not the easiest person to get along with. Lots of drama. I am the opposite and therefore, it is stressful for me just to spend a few hours with them. I don’t know if I could do it. I am still single, so maybe my standards are too high, but I look at it as knowing myself well enough to know a good partnership for myself when I see it, and it has not come a long for me as of yet.

John Gottman made and interesting point in this week’s reading regarding conflict and how to handle it in a relationship. He mentioned that most people have an underlying need to feel accepted as they are and loved for the person that they are. So, when our partners are constantly trying to change us, it can cause resentment in the relationship. One of the ways to avoid this dead end, is to determine whether conflicts are perpetual or solvable. Both of these things are rooted in the art of communication, but problems that are solvable can be easily resolved with a conversation to find a compromise or devise a better plan. Conflicts that are perpetual are ones that have a deeper and sometimes are a stem of a completely different problem. Taking out the guess work of mind reading can help us to understand each other and what the real conflict is. This kind of communication takes practice and repetition. And it also takes a slice of humble pie and owning our part in the problem.

Manifestation of Pride in Marriage

This week’s reading covered the topic of letting your partner influence you and what that really means. For hundreds of years, society has taught us that men are the head of the house and therefore have dominion over their wives and children. This point of power often turns men, and sometimes women, into bullies rather than partners. It is their way or the highway. When speaking about marital partnerships, John Gottman referred to the term of partner influence rather than power in the home or “who wears the pants” as we sometimes like to say. I really like this terminology because it insinuates that we take the thoughts and opinions of our spouse into account by giving them a voice and the ability to influence you without overpowering you as an individual. I have never liked it when men say “let me ask my wife” because that references to me a parent/child relationship but stating “let me talk to my wife” denotes an equal partnership. I heard a mantra once that plays part into this idea. It stated that others can give me their opinions but only I can decide what meaning that opinion has in my life. This is a respectful way of stating that we gather information from those around us respectfully before making our own decision. Standing in our truth without disrespecting anyone else in the process.

Accepting the influence of your spouse does not mean that you are admitting defeat and giving them all of power in the relationship. In fact, it takes a much stronger person to admit when they are wrong or that their spouse has a better idea. This communicates that the focus is on the issue and not about who thought of the solution. This promotes mutual respect and will not only help a marital relationship, but any relationship. After all, we are dealing on a daily basis with human thoughts and feelings of others and not just our own.

“The wives of men who accept their influence are far less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching a difficult marital topic. This increases the odds their marriage will survive.” (Gottman, 2015)

“Accepting influence doesn’t mean never expressing negative emotions towards your partner. Marriages can survive plenty of flashes of anger, complaints, even criticisms. Trying to suppress negative feelings in your spouse’s presence wouldn’t be good for your marriage or your blood pressure.” (Gottman, 2015)

In President Benson’s general conference talk title, Beware of Pride, he explains that the esteem and respect that we show ourselves and others is only a reflection of the esteem and respect for God and Jesus Christ.

“Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?” (Benson, 1989)

How does faith in Christ strengthen a marriage?

When we have faith in Christ, then we understand that the trials and challenges that we are given in this life are a blessing that is meant to refine and perfect us and not as much of a punishment as one might think. It means that we have been entrusted with the burdens that we are given because Heavenly Father and Christ understand our strengths better than we dp. As stated in the book “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, Elder Holland stated that, “Too often too many of us run from the very things that will bless us and save us and soothe. Too often we see gospel commitments and commandments as something to be feared and forsake.” This thought reminded me of something that my mission president once said to me in our monthly one of one interview. I told him that I had been struggling with the language and therefore my personal contribution as a missionary. I was really feeling down and discouraged personally and with the progress in our area as a result. His response was “oh good.” What? I was completely puzzled by his response but then he added, “that means that a blessing, something really good is just around the corner.” He encouraged me to be thankful for any struggle that I am given because that means that I have been trusted and blessings are on the way. The same can be said with relationships. With our faith in Christ we can remember that we are only given trials and struggles that we can handle and by doing so, the relationship and our personal needs will be met. All we have to do is remember, have faith and embrace the struggle!

Christ made it through the struggle for us and showed us that we can also make it through if will just endure. If both partners in the relationship are working on a Christ centered marriage, then all needs will fall into place as we have faith and follow the promptings of the spirit when facing conflict.