Seeking To Understand

In the reading this week, John Gottman presented the idea or concept of marital gridlocks and the tools needed to move past these problems. I believe that most people would agree that there is usually an underlying issue that is manifesting itself through surface topics.

The key to understanding the real problem is to decipher what your partner might actually be feeling. Instead of rushing to judgement, try to understand why something is important to your partner. Or as Gottman refers to it, what is the dream behind it. For instance, a couple may be conflicting on how to invest their money when one person wants to spend it now and travel while the other wants to save for a couple years so that they can eventually by a cabin in the woods. What they are not communicating is that traveling represents living in the moment and having adventures with each other while the other person has always dreamed of having a cabin in the woods because they remember visiting their grandparents’ cabin and having fun with their extended family and learning to love the outdoors. When couples understand the dream, then they may be more likely to find ways that will make both of their dream work.

Now this is not limited to our dreams and ambitions, gridlocks can also manifest in getting mad and taking things out on each other rather than addressing the real issue. My older sister thought that I was spoiled and my mom’s favorite. There was even a time when she called me Princess and said that “Princess get whatever Princess wants.” The crazy thing about this was that I was 22 and returning from my mission. I had no idea what had prompted this behavior and it would have been easy for me to get really defensive because I was not the brat that she was making me out to be. Instead, I wondered what had happened to make her feel this way, and the only conclusion that I could come up with was that she was jealous of the attention I was getting from my mom upon returning home from a mission. It was easier for her to take out on her younger sister than it was to talk to my mom about their relationship. I was the punching bag. I was not thrilled with the situation, but I also realized that it had nothing to do with me and that helped to not take it personally.