It is no surprise that differences in communication styles
is the most common contributor to conflict in relationships. Asking yourself if
there are conflicts that you can handle while dating is key to the presence of
mind that you will have during marriage. This is a great concept and there are
many who have taken part in premarital counseling that provides couples to ask
and talk about some of the more difficult questions that are vitally important
while getting to know someone. Couples need to be aware of the rose-colored
glasses that we sometimes wear during the dating phase and understand that our
partner is not perfect and will make us a little crazy at some point.
Differences do not have to be a breaking point in a relationship or signs of
doom either. I have a family member that was recently married to a young lady
that came with a lot of complications. She is a great girl, but knowing him, I
was not so sure that he was strong enough to handle such a high maintenance
person who came with a very complicated past and family. It has been two years
but they look like they have been through war. I have the greatest of hope for
them, but I still worry if he took on more than he could handle for a pretty
face. I know that sounds horribly judgmental, but she is not the easiest person
to get along with. Lots of drama. I am the opposite and therefore, it is
stressful for me just to spend a few hours with them. I don’t know if I could
do it. I am still single, so maybe my standards are too high, but I look at it
as knowing myself well enough to know a good partnership for myself when I see
it, and it has not come a long for me as of yet.
John Gottman made and interesting point in this week’s
reading regarding conflict and how to handle it in a relationship. He mentioned
that most people have an underlying need to feel accepted as they are and loved
for the person that they are. So, when our partners are constantly trying to
change us, it can cause resentment in the relationship. One of the ways to
avoid this dead end, is to determine whether conflicts are perpetual or
solvable. Both of these things are rooted in the art of communication, but
problems that are solvable can be easily resolved with a conversation to find a
compromise or devise a better plan. Conflicts that are perpetual are ones that
have a deeper and sometimes are a stem of a completely different problem.
Taking out the guess work of mind reading can help us to understand each other
and what the real conflict is. This kind of communication takes practice and
repetition. And it also takes a slice of humble pie and owning our part in the
problem.
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