Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families

“One of the great gifts parents in law can give to their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple” (2005, Harper and Olsen)

Such a simple sentence and yet it is such a loaded one too. I am not married but I have five older siblings that are married and I have observed them navigating the waters of this change and balance. I have always admired the way that my parents have not allowed my siblings to come and “vent” to them about issues with their respective spouses. My mom’s famous line was “I don’t want to hear about it because I would like to be able to share the Thanksgiving table with them.” They were great at allowing couples to have their autonomy.

The article, “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families” by Harper and Olsen, mentioned how parents should welcome and involve their children in law, but I thought that there was one point that was missed. It is important to remember that you married into a family. It is important as the new member of the family to insert and engage yourself with your in laws without having to coaxed and prodded by your spouse.

I have witnessed my brother slowly pull away from my family over the years. If there was a major fight or falling out, it would make sense, but no one understands what happened and why he does not want to spend time with us anymore. We assume that it is my sister in law that is not comfortable with my family but we do not have a strong confirmation. My family is pretty close and enjoys camping, outdoor recreation, but most of all, renting a cabin and piling everyone in. When talking about getting everyone together for a family reunion, my sister in law (who is a rather private person) called my mom and told her that the only Shepherd reunion that they would attend was meeting in the park for the maximum of 4 hours. My mom was devastated! I vowed then and there, that whenever I do get married, that I will embrace the opportunity to have more family in my life. My brother will call my parents every couple months to check in on them, but he rarely talks to the rest of the siblings and it has been years since we have seen him in person. He told my mom once that they prefer spending their time and vacations with just their little family unit and occasionally friends. But Facebook has broken our hearts as we see them spending every holiday and vacation with her parents. Family friends that we have known for years cannot understand why someone would not want to be in my family. Sure, we have our issues, but we when we get together, we do a lot of laughing and have a great time. Who would not want to be a part of all that?

I am not sure that I will ever understand, but I do know that as an individual, I have the power to either make things better or worse.

I choose better.