Fondness and Admiration

From this week’s reading, I really appreciated and enjoyed the section about fondness and admiration in the relationship. In any kind of relationship, not just in marriage, we have to focus on the good. If we are only focusing on the bad, then we will all be miserable and never progress. Remembering the positive aspect along with the negative reminds me of a row boat. Knowing that it is impossible to remove all the negativity from our lives, if we are only focusing on the negative, then its like we are paddling with one ore and going in circles, In order to get the row boat to move forward, we have to compensate the negative with the positive to create balance.

Where there is still fondness and admiration in the relationship, then there is still hope. Being able to remember the good times and more specifically, the reasons that a couple fell in love in the first place, will help the couple to prevent contempt (one of the marriage killing horsemen).

Considering the fact that I am single, I threw a question out to my fellow classmates: What practices, besides the questionnaire given in the book, can help us to stay in touch with the positive feelings in the relationship?  I was given to valuable responses. The first said that is important to continue to flirt with your spouse. She stated that this an aspect of dating that is easily lost once you are married and the newlywed stage is behind you. It helps your spouse to be reminded that they are desired and it can also be fun for you. The second response stated that it is important to be in a mode of creating new memories in your relationship. With this in important it is important to establish and maintain a date night and be more creative than just going to dinner and a movie. While those things are nice, it does not create opportunities to stretch your relationship and continue to learn new things about your spouse.

Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

While communication is the corner stone of any relationship, being able to clearly communicate the real issue is key along with listening and really allowing the other person be able to have the floor. The lack of proper communication results in mind reading expectations and misinterpretation. Another factor is the underlying monster called pride. Why is it so difficult for us to think about the needs of others along with, not just before, our own? And why does it take us so long to admit that a problem exists and when help might be needed?

The videos of the love lab and clips from the movie Fireproof demonstrated how difficult it can be to understand each other and align ourselves on the same page. There must be some thing in human nature that makes us think about ourselves and what makes us happy first. Maybe it is something to do with survival. Surviving the day, week, month, year, and sadly sometimes just life. In this state of mind, we often forget that we are not alone in these feelings. And therefore, we can turn our thoughts to our partners for support knowing that they we are all trying to make it through. At the end of the love lab video, when the couple was asked what they learned from the exercise, the husband stated that he realized that when asked to talk about their dreams, they only focused on their individual dreams and not their dreams as a united couple who have just merged their lives together. That does not mean that you lose your individual self because you are married, but your goals and dreams may change because you want your partner to be there with you in sharing the joy.

This lesson also demonstrated the power of words. This point, which we viewed in the clips from Fireproof, can be summed up with one statement. People may not always remember what you said or what you did, but they will always remember how you made them feel. I hope that the positive way that I made someone feel is the legacy that I leave behind in this life. I am not perfect but it is something that I strive for.

Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

I am truly grateful for the doctrine of the church regarding marriage. Explaining the importance of the family unit and the purpose that it plays in the plan of salvation give me a better foundation for marriage. While I am a single sister myself, I have grown up around loving marital relationships including that of my parents and siblings. They have been an example of how marriage is more than just a responsibility, it is also a partnership and can be both a deep and meaningful relationship.

While we have many ordinances that are performed by the individual such as baptism and endowment, the highest temple ordinance that can be performed in the temple is the sealing ordinance of marriage. It is the crowning glory and a necessary ordinance for entering the Celestial Kingdom. With that in mind, a temple marriage becomes so much more than its secular counterpart. In Brother Hafen’s 1996 General Conference address titled “Covenant Marriage”, he referred to newly married couple and wondered if they viewed their marriage as a contract or covenant. While this is simple question, it is quite a thought provoking and impacting one. Contracts can be viewed as 50/50 you do your part and I will do mine and can be as easily broken as it was to assemble. But a covenant is a sacred promise to each other with the Lord. Covenants require a deeper understanding of the purpose of marriage not only in this life, but for our eternal lives.

Not long ago, I was at work and the topic of marriage came up and the historical purpose that it served for monetary gain, nobility and the acquisition of land and sometimes countries. It was purely a business contract that hopefully would turn into love. While these facts are historically accurate, it was sad to me that this was the opinion of what marriage really from the co-worker that is also a member of the church. I am not aware of her family background, but I grew up with a model of marriage that is not only celestial, but the epitome of a partnership. Despite the fact that my parents grew up in a generation of housewives and head of the household, they worked together seamlessly. In fact, I do not remember my dad making any kind of unilateral decision for the family. While he is the patriarch and priesthood holder, my parents thoughtfully made every decision together and despite my attempts to pit them against each other for my personal gain, it never worked and they were (and still are) a united front. They are a wonderful example of a covenant marriage above a contract. This is the type of relationship that I hope to have someday.

Threats to Marriage

The topic this week was an interesting and very difficult one for me. I am not a fan of political arguments and gay marriage is a steaming hot discussion in my experience. So, I try my best to stay out of these conversations unless someone asks me a direct question. I will admit that when it comes to the discussion of homosexuality and gay marriage, my response is that this is not my fight. And when I say fight, I am talking about same sex attraction and not about defending the church and my personal testimony of marriage and family. But a lightning bolt hit me while I was reading the speech given by President Russell M Nelson at a BYU graduation commencement when he stated that “Your individual strength of character is need now more than ever before. The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. Your religion is not just about showing up for church on Sunday. It is about showing up as a true disciple from Sunday morning through Saturday night.” I know that I have to speak up for truth but I also want to show love and respect for my brothers and sisters despite their feelings of opposition. How do we find the fine line between standing for truth while respecting others? How should we respond when the conversation takes and argumentative turn?

For some reason, this week reminded me of a protest that took place while I was in junior high. The school administration had updated the dress code to exclude combat boots as acceptable footwear. Students were enraged and organized a walk-out. The principle warned us that any student who participated would be expelled for leaving the school grounds. There was a lot of peer pressure to support the cause of the students and join the walk. On the day of the planned walk out, a boy encouraged me to go with the other students, and my only response was “but…..I don’t wear combat boots.” He tried to tell me that it was about supporting the students and treating the dress code as oppressive. Once again, I responded with “I don’t wear combat boots, therefore, this is not my protest.” He looked at me with a shocked face. I have never been one to give into peer pressure or let someone make up my mind for me, even as a child. But another thing that bothered me was the teachers telling those of us that stayed behind that we were the good children. We were all good children but I understood the weight of the consequence and it was not worth the fight.

Watching the video of Ryan Anderson speaking with Piers Morgan and Suze Orman, I thought that Ryan was clear in stating that his opposition was not against the homosexuals, but with the federal government stepping in and overruling the states and more importantly, the individual right to vote in this particular argument. This overruling goes against the creation of the federal and state systems of government. But that point was not received by the host and was almost completely disregarded. The response was to go for the jugular and asked Ryan why he was against Susie and her happiness. He did not say one thing about individual happiness and rights to happiness. He stuck to the point of government organization and fixing the state tax system to include domestic partnerships without having to change the historical definition of Marriage. I found myself in knots by the end of the video and was reminded of the reasons why I don’t like these discussions. People do not listen. How can we have healthy conversation to come up with a solution?

I think that the greatest lesson that I have learned from the lesson this week, speaking specifically about the transcripts of the Supreme Court hearing, is how important it is to learn the facts before we make a judgement for ourselves. It is not enough to gather information from friend, family or media. We should be reading the laws the candidates for which we are voting. We should seek to understand and gain a testimony or our own. News centers are no longer the trusting source that they once were. This requires us to listen to the testimonies of others just as we would want them to listen to our testimony.

Marriage Trends - Divorce

Just the sound of the word feels so negative and heavy. It also has a sense of sadness where something that was once regarded as beautiful and hopeful has now come to an end. But the current question is whether or not the divorce is considered a failure or a necessary step for the happiness of everyone involved.

I am the child of parents who are still crazy about one another. Almost to the point of annoyance. My childhood and family was by no means free from the stresses and challenges of life, but with the foundation and example of my parents and their marriage, we learned that we can weather storms together and survive. Most of my friends growing up had similar family dynamics and was not exposed to the idea of divorce until one of my best friends’ parents decided to divorce. Not only was Shelly my best friend, but her parents were close friends with my parents and our families were deeply intertwined. Their divorce changed so many things. Friendships change for my parents when they supported the mother and my friendship changed when Shelly had to move across town. We still remained friends but it was not the same until we reached high school and I learned more about what their family went through. I have to admit that when I was a child, I thought that is was kind of fun that they got to have what I thought were sleepovers with their dad every weekend. That just goes to show how ignorant I was. Later on she told me how stressful it was to essentially live in two different places and bounce back and forth every couple days. While Shelly, her sister Janelle and her brother Darren came out of the divorce ok, her older brother Kyle would not speak to his parents for years (he was on his mission when they split and did not tell him until he came home) and her brother Brian became distant and is still inactive from the church to this day. This was my first encounter with divorce.

As an adult I have become more acquainted with the struggles that married couples go through despite the fact that I am not married myself. There are couples that I could not understand why they chose to divorce and some that I could visibly see that the relationship was toxic and needed to end. Two of my mother’s friends were in very emotionally abusive marriages. They struggled with the decision to leave their partners because of their testimony of the doctrine of the church and temple marriages. But ultimately people have the potential to change and covenants are broken. One of her friends found the courage to leave and divorce (which was horribly messy) but ultimately, she found a man that adored her and her children. The other friend chose to endure and was deeply depressed to the point of committing what we believe was suicide.

In a conference address given by Elder Dallin H Oaks in 2007, he spoke directly to the good members of the church that have gone through a divorce. He communicated that “We know that many of you are innocent victims – members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have first hand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce.” He goes on to say that “When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to an end.” This comment may surprise many people that an Apostle in the church is saying over the pulpit, that it is not a sin to divorce and that the church does not expect you to stay in a terrible circumstance in order to keep your end of a temple or marriage covenant when the other person is not and does not have the intention of doing so. Later Elder Oaks states that “We know that some look back on their divorces with regret at their own partial or predominant fault in the break up. All who have been through divorce know the pain and the healing power of the Atonement. That healing power and that hope are there for them and also for their children.”

While the decision to divorce is a painful one, we can rely on prayer and the support of loving Heavenly Father to tell us when we need to fight and when it is ok to let go. We have all the statics in the world on the damage that divorce causes to the family and we have the advice from friends and family, some of whom have experienced divorce themselves. But the best support that we should lean on Christ, who is the one that knows you, your partner, your marriage and your family the best.

At the end of Elder Oaks conference address, I appreciated the comment that “the best way to avoid divorce from and unfaithful, abusive, or unsupported spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person.” Why are people afraid of asking the tough questions while they are dating a person. Part of the purpose of dating is to look for the red flags and not just focusing on chemistry. Learn everything that you can about the potential in laws. Are there patterns there of dysfunctional relationships that might spill over into your own? For women, pay attention to how he treats his mother, sisters and the other women in his life. Men should pay attention to how their girlfriend or fiance handles the priesthood in her own family. Like it or not, women can be somewhat dramatic and emotional. When you bring them around your family, does she make the situation better or more stressful? How does she respect and encourage the time and attention that you give to your mother and sisters? Elder Oaks finishes by stating that “in all of this we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man of woman.

When it comes down to it, all that matters is that we try our best and have a Christ centered marriage.